YOURS, MINE AND OURS

 

Our "little bird" up and flew the coop this past spring. She graduated from the University of Delaware and was fortunate to have immediately landed a great job some two thousand miles from us! While it is great for her it has left us in the classical "empty nester" mode. And we are adjusting to that new period of our life, where we are left to redefine the focus of our joint and separate lives.

 

What often happens at this stage of life is that two worlds bound together primarily by the raising of children come together after many years of individual pursuit and blam! A collision of significant dimensions can suddenly explode into discomfort, disorientation and sometimes even confrontation. The key to maintaining and enhancing a healthy and supportive relationship is to understand and embrace the significance of yours, mine and ours.

 

YOURS relates to the fundamental and legitimate desires, needs, interests and preferred pursuits of your partner. They are often not shared by you, but nonetheless important to your partner. In a healthy relationship your partner, just as you, needs and deserves their individual "me time." I first heard the words of a popular U2 song recited at a young couple's wedding. They were: "We're one, but we're not the same." Acknowledging that is the key to a vibrant life partnership. It is fine to be detached from some of your partner's interests and to let them pursue them in the company of those who do. No need to force or feign an interest. No need to feel guilty about not sharing the interest. Encourage and allow your partner the opportunity to grow as an individual.

 

MINE relates to those fundamental and legitimate desires, needs, interests and preferred pursuits that you have personally. Your partner has other interests that you encourage and support. Likewise he or she needs to provide you the opportunity for your "me time." Togetherness is wonderful to the extent that it doesn't stifle one's individuality. Our experience suggests that long term relationships persist where there is a common bond based on values. Personalities may differ. As a matter of fact the theory that opposites attract is often shown to be true with respect to that; but not with respect to values. Allow the expression of your partner's personality and feel comfortable in expressing your own.

 

OURS Is a key, central and essential ingredient of a genuine and bonding relationship. One based simply on YOURS and MINE is doomed to a selfish and terminal ending. A relationship will suffer without adequate attention to those two ingredients, but it will perish if the OURS factor is not significantly present and prominent. What is a healthy balance? It may vary from couple to couple, but OURS must be central. Is it a third each? It seems that might be a healthy starting point. In reality, the balance likely changes over the span of a long term relationship. Especially if there are two careers involved. MINE and YOURS can be predominant as one arcs through the challenges of being successful in the job.

 

It probably goes something like this: "How was your day?" " Hectic!" "So was mine. And I've got this big report due first thing tomorrow. Can you take care of the kids?"

Ahh yes, The Kids!! During that phase of life The Kids control and absorb (appropriately) most of the available OURS time, and probably the majority of the YOURS and MINE time as well. C'est la Vie!

 

Jobs and Kids can control our lives if we let them. During this phase it may be more realistic to say that genuine and truly partner-focused OURS time is up for grabs. BUT!! Successful relationships create some modicum of space for a bonding partnership. Often, The Kids dominate the couple's OURS time by being actively involved in their academic and extra- curricular activities. That can and should be exciting and fulfilling. But in the end, some couples are left feeling a void and question the quality of their relationship when they become "empty nesters."

 

So take the time now. It is never too late to address these critical four little words in your relationship with your life partner.

 

I am drawn here to Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Successful People. Though the "Habits" are most often attributable to success in leadership, a good chunk of them relate to success in life and relationships in general.

 

In particular, the three "Habits" that should be intentionally engaged in addressing one's long term relationships are:

 

Thinking Win; Win; Seeking First to Understand, Then to be Understood; and lastly, Synergizing.

 

I needn't go into a definition of each for they appear to be self evident. I have often thought, however, that I would slightly revise Seeking First to Understand, Then to be Understood by changing two words. I would say: Seek First to Understand RATHER THAN be Understood. Toby Keith, a popular country singer had a top selling hit titled, I Wanna Talk About Me. Too often that's the case. Paying deep attention to the needs, wants and desires of our partner is critical to a truly caring partnership. But that only works where there is genuine openness, caring and reciprocity on the part of both partners. That's when the Synergizing habit can make it all come together.